offensive posts

So if I haven't offended you yet, don't be too sad.  I just misplaced my list of all the possible subgroups of humans that I could offend.  I'm getting to it.  It’s a busy life I lead.  I can't always be on the cutting edge of knowing who needs to be brought to their knees by my cutting social commentary.

A great deal of my time, as you have probably figured out, is taken up being mean to my children.  Forcing them to eat good food, explaining why they can't spend more than an hour a week on the computer, making them play out of doors and not watch trash movies.

So, just going on memory here, uh, who was it I was to offend next?  Oh, yes.  Mothers with boys.

As you may already know, the structure of our offspring places us precariously in the Boy Phase.  Our three lovely growed daughters are 24, 19 and 17.  At the moment they are all at home, but in a short two months, Alice and Scout scatter to the farthest corners of the continent.  Polly will be at home for another year and she is one of the unusual offspring (read: quiet) and Rosebud is very civilized, so they hardly make a dint in the household goings on.

So things are very different in the Boy Phase than they were in the Girl Phase.  It’s quite loud at our house.  And bouncy.  Things move quickly.  Feet, fists, food.  Wham whiz bam slam.  All day long.  And they are actually remarkably restrained for males.  The biggest thing I notice about boys is that they have a need to categorize very clearly instructions, rule and methods.  For example.

Do not toss that ball in the house.  One hour later.  Ball toss.  I told you not to toss that ball in the house.  This is a different ball.  You may not toss any ball in the house.  Twenty minutes later.  Ball toss.  You may not toss the ball in the house.  One hour later.  Ball toss.  You may not toss any ball in the house.  But that was the living room, this is the kitchen. It’s still part of the house.  I didn't know you meant the kitchen.  You may not toss the ball in the kitchen, or the living room or in any part of the house.  Does that include the basement?  Is the basement part of the house?  Yes.  Then you may not toss the ball in the basement.  Next day. Ball toss. Do not toss the ball in the house.  Still?  Yes, the rule still applies, you may not toss the ball in the house. But that was yesterday. Any ball, any part of the house.  Today and forever.  For all of eternity, you may not toss the ball in the house, in any part of the house, any particular ball.  Even if the ball is a different colour, made of a different material, has a different shape than what one would typically consider a "ball" shape, case in point, a football.  If it is a thing that is even possible to use in a ball-like manner, for example, kicking with the feet, bouncing off the head or chest, or tossing back and forth, you may not do so in the house.  Any part of the house.  For now and eternity.